HOW?

So we came home - then we were admitted to the hospital again - and now we're home again. This is going to be a long road.

I am sick. I have a terrible cold that is just miserable. I keep being told, "Take care of yourself! You won't be any good to your children if you aren't well!" But it makes me want to scream, "HOW?" How do I do that? When am I supposed to sleep? I'm up tonight waiting for home health to deliver TPA because her PICC line is clogged. I could be up until 3am! Then up at 4 and up at 8am for meds. Then DH is off to work and I've got to care for her until he gets home and we start more meds. (The meds definitley require two people.)

I have followed the blog www.kidneysandeyes.com for a long time now. The woman who writes, Julia Roberts, is amazing. I asked her a question about Little E's emotional health going through that and she not only gave a thorough answer but actually personally emailed me as well. That blew me away. A woman with that much to do, that much stress (one child has had a kidney transplant and the other is fast on her way to one - and she runs her own business), and she personally emailed me to see how I was. She made me feel so much better when her opening line was about how she hated hearing "Take care of yourself." I didn't feel as guilty for hating it. I didn't feel as incompetent for not knowing how to do it. Her question isn't "how?" it's "when?" When on earth is there a few moments for me to take care of myself? They just don't happen.

DH watched Little E for a few hours this afternoon so I could sleep, but I hurt too much to fall asleep. Everything ached and my mind must be too wound up. I just can't sleep. I've never needed it more, but it won't happen. I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. If I'm lucky it looks like I'll get 4 tonight. (Little E is waking up. I'd better go get a bottle ready.)