Identity

I just recently changed my profile. Before it said that I was an LDS woman, married for 8 years, and just beginning the MBA program. I hadn't updated it since we got Little E. But if I had, the title "mother" would have been in there as well and MBA probably wouldn't have been. Adopting Little E was so sudden that changing from "not a mom" to "Mom" so fast was a bit shocking. Most women have a couple of months at least to prepare for the big change in their identity and have time to contemplate all of the adjustments it will mean. I had 3 hours. The adjustment over the next few weeks was a little rough as I saw quite quickly men add "dad" to their identity whereas women replace something with the word "mom." Now, that is sterotyping that men continue with work and education whereas women move time and priorities to home. Stay-at-home dads like my brother-in-law face just as difficult an identity shift, if not more so.

But now my identity is changing again. My profile now says that I am a mother of a four month old with hemophagacytic lymphohistiocytosis. I'm still LDS, and I'm still married, and both of those things are still extremely important to me. (I've deferred school for now.) But for now they define me less than being the mother of a baby who desperately needs intense medical care. Everything else blurs. Nothing has importance, nothing has meaning or interest if it is not connected with Little E's care and getting her better. Dh and I haven't slept in over a week. Sleep isn't important. We're eating terribly, but food isn't important. It's hard that I now have to start focusing on sleep and food so that I can stay healthy for her. But if it weren't for the tie back into her health, I don't know how long I could go without really sleeping.

I'm not sure how I feel about this new identity - mother of a sick child. I wish she was well; I wish this didn't have to happen. But I'm feeling my way in this new role. Along with mother of a sick child comes nurse (I'll be giving her injections at home), pharmacist (we'll be doing LOTS of drugs), and advocate for my child. Each role is extremely important and it is critical I do them well. The new roles weigh heavy on me. They crush everything else. But I am determined to shoulder them and perform them perfectly. Little E deserves no less.