Seeker of Truth

ICU

2010-03-11T09:34:00.002-07:00

We are in the hospital again in the ICU. I've mostly written on my daughter's blog the last while. If you'd like access to her blog, just email me or post a request to this.

Little E had her bone marrow transplant and everything seemed to be going just fine. We've had scares for sure, but we thought everything was fine now. We were starting to be able to take her out for little bits and our life was beginning to nomralize.

She has another very rare and strange disease. It's hemolytic anemia caused by cold agglutination and warm agglutination. Yes, she has both warm and cold which is very strange indeed. I'm thinking I'll update this blog a little more often now and fill in some of our transplant story, but we've got to pull her through this right now. As long as her little heart can keep going until they can kill off her immune response, then we're going to be okay.

Up

2009-06-02T18:27:00.002-06:00

Have you seen the new Pixar film, "Up"? Dh and I went to see it this afternoon. My parents watched Evelyn while we went out. It was nice to go somewhere together.

I really wanted to see Up because I had heard the story and I knew its themes closely mirrored what I'm feeling right now. It made the movie strike very close to home, but I needed the time to really feel what I'm going through and the vicarious experience of the movie would do that. While Up is an uplifting show, it is not a happy one. It's the story of an old man whose wife had died. He flies his house to South America and at one point has to decide between his house - and all the memories it contains - and striking out in a new life and forging new memories.

You may know we are needing to sell our home and buy a new one. The doctors don't want us to bring LittleE home to a condo. The risk of infection is too great. I cannot tell you how my heart breaks at the deep, dark fear that maybe the very worst could happen. If it did, our home is where we have all of our memories with LittleE. We would lose that. But, as Dh has said, a new home will give her the best chance of success and not getting an infection after she comes home. Do we look back at the home with memories or look forward to new ones? In the show, his wife had died, so no new memories with her could be formed. But a new home is the best chance for LittleE going forward.

We have been approved for a loan to buy the home we're looking at even if we don't sell our condo. But it would be expensive to carry both mortgages and with the cost of the transplant on top of that ... well, that gets pricey and unsustainable. But we may have to do it if we don't sell. I admit to secretly hoping that a friend or family or friend of friend/family would buy our home because then, if, God forbid, the worst happened, we could have an understanding that we would buy the condo back from them. That's a harder deal to make with perfect strangers.

I try not to write about sad things here, but perhaps people need to know that we are human. Mostly I keep everything together and walk forth in faith. I really do believe that God wants her to pull through this just fine. But the fears sit in the back of my mind and I knew that seeing "Up" would help. I was right. Go see the show, it's wonderful. But bring a tissue if you're dealing with similar issues. (See it in 3D if you can. We didn't and regret it now.)

WE DON'T WANT MONEY

2009-05-03T12:24:00.002-06:00

Okay, so if any of you really know me, you know that I am very financially "frugal" and rarely turn down a money making opportunity or a chance for a great discount on something. I manage our finances with great exactness. I really wouldn't often say that I don't want money. But apparently that is almost impossible for the Social Security Administration to believe.

We are applying for a program called Adoption Assistance. It is run by the state and it will guarantee that Little E will be on MedicAid for the rest of her life. This means that she will have guaranteed health coverage, and we will not go bankrupt covering her health insurance. The pre-qualification for Adoption Assistance is she has to be classified as having a disability by Social Security. Once SSA (the social security administration) doctors review her case and declare her having a disability, then we are automatically approved for the Adoption Assistance. That seems pretty simple, right? All that SSA has to do is review her file and say whether she is disabled or not. Unfortunately, our caseworker had real problems grasping this.

K, our LDSFS caseworker, had called SSA before our meeting and was told that this would be no problem. They'd attach the case to my SS number since Little E doesn't have one yet, and then get the review of her case. Our SSA caseworker, D., could not grasp this. He kept saying, "I know how to do this if the mother doesn't have a ss number." I wanted to say, "Yes, I'm glad you know how to do that. This isn't that case." Little E doesn't have a SS number because she can't get one until she has her birth certificate and they won't issue a birth certificate until all the legal stuff with the adoption is finalized. We can't finalize that until after she has been put on Adoption Assistance. D. was getting extremely frustrated. He kept saying, "Well, we can't get you any payments until she has a ss number." We know! We don't want payments!! DH and I both said several times, that we didn't want money, we just needed her to be classified as disabled. Finally K had to speak up and emphasize again that we don't want money. At that point D. leaned forward and said - I kid you not - "Do you charge Little E rent?"

"RENT??"'

"Of course not!" I said. He lowered his voice more and said, "You really should charge her rent. You'll get more money if you do."

"She's 5 months old!!!"

"That doesn't matter. If you charge her for the rent and food, you can get more money."

"WE DON'T WANT MONEY!"

He just didn't get it. It was really frustrating, but we filled out tons of paperwork and left thinking that things would get done. Wrong.

Later he called K and said that he and his supervisor both agreed that they will refuse to even work on the case until we get a social security number for her. It's just too hard to do the work without a number so they won't even try until we get a number. So K found out that the hospital will issue a temporary "non-legal document" birth certificate that says "Baby Girl" for the name. SSA said that they would accept that document and issue a number to that. Seems simple, right? Wrong of course.

That very day I spent over 5 hours on the phone with the hospital. A number of mistakes were about to be made, I had to coordinate care between many different departments, and caught that they were going to sedate Little E the next day with a drug that could be life-threatening to her. It took awhile for them to acknowledge I was right, but they finally realized it. It was a frustrating nightmare day. When Little E was in the hospital someone heard that we were adoption her and that got around and suddenly the doctors cut us off from having access to Little E's records or making health decisions for her. It was a horrible nightmare trying to get everything fixed. They had to get all kinds of documents from LDS Family Services to prove that it was okay for us to be in charge of her care. When I found out that they were going to issue a birth certificate that SSA would use to get Little E's records I saw immediately the danger. The hospital would have to change her name on her records, and that right there is a situation rife with possible mistakes. Then communicating between departments would be dreadful. And when results came back for "Baby Girl" who is going to think, "Oh, we need to call the P family"? Not only that, when I call to get information about her I'll have to go through extensive HIPPA clearance. And frankly, this is they exact type of problem that could lead to a life-threatening mistake. I cannot advocate for her and keep her from being a statistical hospital mortality if departments won't let me talk to them and they don't get information to me. I've learned to read all of her medical records and tests so I can follow up with the doctors. In fact, last week her oncologist said, "You know, I don't ever worry about missing anything with Little E because I know you'll make sure that we know everything and you'll catch anything that is wrong." I was quite happy about that.

So I saw issuing a temporary birth certificate as possibly life-threatening to Little E. DH and I discussed it and agreed we'd rather go bankrupt. DH would have to quit his job because we have to make less than $10,000/year to keep her on MedicAid, so we'd become a burden to the state. But we'd rather lose everything than risk her health. I called K and explained our perspective and she agreed. I wasn't going to risk Little E's life just to make some guy's job easier.

K really went to bat for us. She called D. many times during the week and left 3 voicemails for him. He never called back. Finally, on Friday, the head supervisor for SSA called her. He said that he had bad news. They had spent the week doing a thorough review of SSA policy and held many meetings about this case, but it just was going to be against policy to issue a social security number in the generic name "Baby Girl." I think K almost hit the roof. "We don't want to get a social security number in that name!" She said. Then he, very patiently, told her that without a social security number they couldn't give any payments. "WE DON'T WANT MONEY!" she said. (She was extremely frustrated by this point.) The supervisor said, "You don't? Oh, well then there's no problem. The doctors are already reviewing her case and you should have an answer in 60-90 days."

K explained that we have told people at SSA over and over again that we don't want money. Nobody would believe us. They guy just brushed that off and said, "Well, now that we know, everything is in place and will be fine."

It's a sad commentary on society that they can't believe we don't want to take advantage of the government dole. And an even sadder fact that people are charging their infants rent so that they can get more of my tax dollars. And a pathetic fact that social security workers encourage that. No wonder we have such a huge deficit!

But her case is in for review. Cross your fingers everyone.

Aargh

2009-04-22T15:34:00.002-06:00

I'm going crazy! No sleep. A hundred medicines. Dozens of tests to keep on top of. And the adoption all going haywire at social security! I know nobody is reading this, so I can rant and don't have to make too much sense.

Cathy, a woman in my ward, had her son go through a very similar chemo treatment when that son was 4. She told me at the beginning of this that it can get very lonely. Frankly I kind of thought that was a "weak" thing to say. "Weak" isn't really the right word, but I can't find the right one. I've never been a real social person. Going to parties makes me nervous sometimes and I really don't usually like that. I think I've also been a little disdainful of friends who actually get depressed if they haven't had their "social quota" of interactions for the day. I max out pretty quickly in social interactions. But I didn't realize that this lonely isn't about human interaction really. I am lonely. Very lonely. I feel so isolated. Nobody really knows what we're going through. The only time I don't feel so alone is when she's getting her chemo and we can talk to other parents of kids going through the same stuff. www.kidneysandeyes.com had a post about this yesterday or the day before. She put it so well. Even though others care for our baby and see what we're going through. They don't *know.* And though those close to us want to help I can't figure out how to say, "I really don't even want your help if it's going to come with criticism." With DH gone for the week, I need the help. I simply can't give her all of these oral meds by myself. So I just have to endure the criticism on top of all the other battles I'm fighting.

Yeah, I caught what could have been a life-threatening mistake yesterday as I "advocated" and followed up on all of her tests and meds.

I'm exhausted. More emotionally than physically.

HOW?

2009-03-19T22:52:00.002-06:00

So we came home - then we were admitted to the hospital again - and now we're home again. This is going to be a long road.

I am sick. I have a terrible cold that is just miserable. I keep being told, "Take care of yourself! You won't be any good to your children if you aren't well!" But it makes me want to scream, "HOW?" How do I do that? When am I supposed to sleep? I'm up tonight waiting for home health to deliver TPA because her PICC line is clogged. I could be up until 3am! Then up at 4 and up at 8am for meds. Then DH is off to work and I've got to care for her until he gets home and we start more meds. (The meds definitley require two people.)

I have followed the blog www.kidneysandeyes.com for a long time now. The woman who writes, Julia Roberts, is amazing. I asked her a question about Little E's emotional health going through that and she not only gave a thorough answer but actually personally emailed me as well. That blew me away. A woman with that much to do, that much stress (one child has had a kidney transplant and the other is fast on her way to one - and she runs her own business), and she personally emailed me to see how I was. She made me feel so much better when her opening line was about how she hated hearing "Take care of yourself." I didn't feel as guilty for hating it. I didn't feel as incompetent for not knowing how to do it. Her question isn't "how?" it's "when?" When on earth is there a few moments for me to take care of myself? They just don't happen.

DH watched Little E for a few hours this afternoon so I could sleep, but I hurt too much to fall asleep. Everything ached and my mind must be too wound up. I just can't sleep. I've never needed it more, but it won't happen. I got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. If I'm lucky it looks like I'll get 4 tonight. (Little E is waking up. I'd better go get a bottle ready.)

Home

2009-03-14T21:47:00.002-06:00

We're back home from the hospital. I have mixed feelings about this. I LOVE sleeping in my own bed. And it's nice to have space to stretch out. Public bathrooms are nowhere near my "favorite things" list. So being home is really nice. But it comes with a lot of responsibility. One cold could kill Little E. She has absolutely no immune system right now. We must be manic about germ control. I must change the picc line dressing which means opening her up where she is exposed all the way to her heart. And medications ... she has tons of oral medications. Getting the right med at the right amount at the right time is a full-time job. Okay, not full-time, but we spend probably over 2 hours a day on medications and 30 - 45 minutes a day on the PICC line. Not to mention the toxic diapers - we have to wear gloves and protective stuff while changing her diapers for 48 hours after chemo. I don't want that. I don't want all the pressure and the severe consequences if I do any of it wrong. I know I'll settle into a sort of routine at some point, but right now it's really stressful. I don't mean to use this blog to complain. But I need a venue right now to express my worries, stresses, and pains. I'll also record joys. But this blog will look into the heart of a momma of a sick kid. That's not always going to be a happy place. But I'll make sure to record those shining moments of joy as well. I need to focus on those too.

Second Article of Faith

2009-03-08T17:06:00.002-06:00

I teach the mission prep class in my ward. Last week I had planned on dressing up Little E in her frilliest, cutest outfit and bringing her to class as my object lesson as we talked about the power and importance of the Restoration. Well, as she was in the ICU at Primary Children's last Sunday, that didn't happen. We're still in the hospital today, so that wasn't going to happen today either.

I drove to Orem and got a collection of photos that hang in her room and brought them to class. I had everyone look at them and asked them if she looked evil. Did she look like someone who deserved torment and torture? Could you ever respect or love someone who willingly, knowingly, and uncaringly hurt her? Well, she is not baptized and has only a 50% chance of survival. According to the entire western Christian world, if she dies unbaptized she goes to the endless torment of hell.

We quoted the second article of faith: "We believe that a man will be punished for his own sins, and not for Adam's transgression." We compared that with one of the founding pilgrim ideas that "the road to hell is paved with the skulls of unbaptized children." Which god would you worship? I would not worship or love or even speak to a god who damns little children who have only taken one breath in their lives. I would spit in that god's eye. That is a god I would hate and reject. That god has no compassion, no love, no justice. What is the point of allowing children to be born - to fill hell? Then what's the purpose of hell and heaven? That is a god who created us because he was bored one day and wanted to be worshiped because his ego was low and anyone who doesn't match his arbitrary rules must be damned and he doesn't care. Given a choice between that god and atheism where at least all enter oblivion rather than innocent children going to hell, I'd chose atheism.

But this is the power of the Restoration. That is not the Christian God according to the LDS faith. Little children are loved by God and the atonement swallows up all punishment before a child is accountable and capable of sinning. Repentance is not needed by the pure. The well do not need the physician. God loves children and in mercy and justice does not condemn them for things they didn't do. Moroni chapter 8 is very powerful. How many mothers, how many fathers over the ages have ached because their child died before baptism? How much pain and sorrow has their been in the world because this truth disappeared? How much suffering could have been avoided! This idea of baptising little children arose around the same time priests charged for baptism. Those celibate priests who would never have children of their own taught a doctrine that would drive coins to their purse because it targeted parents' love for their children. It is disgusting. No wonder Mormon in no uncertain terms damns those who invented such a disgusting doctrine.

Hallelujah for the restoration. Hallelujah for a God I can respect, love, and worship. This is a God I can trust and will follow. This is the importance of the restoration - we now know who God is. And He is Love.

Identity

2009-03-08T16:45:00.002-06:00

I just recently changed my profile. Before it said that I was an LDS woman, married for 8 years, and just beginning the MBA program. I hadn't updated it since we got Little E. But if I had, the title "mother" would have been in there as well and MBA probably wouldn't have been. Adopting Little E was so sudden that changing from "not a mom" to "Mom" so fast was a bit shocking. Most women have a couple of months at least to prepare for the big change in their identity and have time to contemplate all of the adjustments it will mean. I had 3 hours. The adjustment over the next few weeks was a little rough as I saw quite quickly men add "dad" to their identity whereas women replace something with the word "mom." Now, that is sterotyping that men continue with work and education whereas women move time and priorities to home. Stay-at-home dads like my brother-in-law face just as difficult an identity shift, if not more so.

But now my identity is changing again. My profile now says that I am a mother of a four month old with hemophagacytic lymphohistiocytosis. I'm still LDS, and I'm still married, and both of those things are still extremely important to me. (I've deferred school for now.) But for now they define me less than being the mother of a baby who desperately needs intense medical care. Everything else blurs. Nothing has importance, nothing has meaning or interest if it is not connected with Little E's care and getting her better. Dh and I haven't slept in over a week. Sleep isn't important. We're eating terribly, but food isn't important. It's hard that I now have to start focusing on sleep and food so that I can stay healthy for her. But if it weren't for the tie back into her health, I don't know how long I could go without really sleeping.

I'm not sure how I feel about this new identity - mother of a sick child. I wish she was well; I wish this didn't have to happen. But I'm feeling my way in this new role. Along with mother of a sick child comes nurse (I'll be giving her injections at home), pharmacist (we'll be doing LOTS of drugs), and advocate for my child. Each role is extremely important and it is critical I do them well. The new roles weigh heavy on me. They crush everything else. But I am determined to shoulder them and perform them perfectly. Little E deserves no less.

Expectations

2009-03-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

My good friend FoxyJ wrote a wonderful post about expectations. She is an amazing person and it was a great post. It's one of the things we're dealing with right now. I can't tell you how excited we were to take Little E to the Oregon coast in June and show her the tide pools. I've been dying to go to the zoo and show her all of the animals. And I'd already looked into the schedules at the Bean Museum to take her to the children's presentations. None of that is possible for at least 2 years now.

The good thing is that at 7 months, she won't care about tide pools and won't really look at the lions or polar bears. She won't know the difference between the taxidermy animals at the Bean Museum and the stuffed moose that Macey's gave her yesterday. I could throw sand in the back yard and then spray her with the hose and she'd be as happy as at the beach. She has no expectations and won't be missing out on a thing. It's only us who are missing out. It's a consolation that she really won't care. But as FoxyJ said, crushed expectations can be hard. We'll go and do in 2 years. We're not losing anything really. I had a teacher once who wasn't religious, but looking back she was very Buddhist in her thought. She once told me that the source of all pain is expecting and not accepting. That's basically the first pillar of Buddhism. And as Wesley said, "Life is pain. Anyone who says differently is selling something." It's probably appropriate to contemplate some of the Buddhist teachings as Evelyn often looks like the Mahayana images of the laughing Buddha. I'm sure you've seen them, they are the big fat Buddhas with the belly hanging out. Supposedly if you rub the belly it is good luck. Well, her belly sure hangs out sometimes (especially when they put a little t-shirt on her yesterday that didn't quite fit.) If you rubbed her belly she laughed and that's got to be good luck, right?

Dry

2009-03-04T13:40:00.002-07:00

Have you ever felt like your prayer supply has run dry?

I haven't posted here for a long time, but since the last post we adopted the most wonderful little girl. She is the sweetest thing in the whole world, and right now she's in the hospital. She has hemophagacytic lymphohistiocytosis. It's an extremely rare genetic disorder where her body attacks all parts of her blood - platelets, serum, white blood cells, red blood cells, everything. Survival with treatment is 50%. She started chemotherapy yesterday. She will need a bone marrow transplant.

Normally I am a person full of prayers. I really do belive in the power of prayer. We have probably a hundred people praying for Little E, and I can feel that support. But from me? I feel like all I can do is look up to heaven and say, "God, please." There just isn't strength for more. It's just "Please." In quiet moments I'm able to add "You know what I need. You know the prayer that needs to be said. I don't. Just read my heart right now." I have tried several times to more formally pray - to pray the way I would expect to pray. But I have almost no time to myself - we're constantly waiting for another doctor and/or another test result. I'm so tired. Have you ever had your prayer well run dry? Maybe this is part of why we have so many people praying for us, because you hit a point where you can't make it come any more.

Can you say that in Relief Society?

2008-10-18T16:39:00.004-06:00

Pimp.

Yup. I said the word "pimp" in Relief Society. I'm sure you can imagine the gasps of shock and embarrassed giggles that followed. I resisted rolling my eyes. But really, the teacher asked for it.

Sunday's lesson was on life beyond the veil. She had us read the qualifications of those who will go to the Telestial Kingdom. Among those on the list were "whoremongers." As she's writing the word up on the board, she asks, "Does anyone even know what a whoremonger is?"

There was an odd murmur and I said "pimp." That's what a whoremonger is. A "monger" is someone who sells something. The fishmonger sells fish, the breadmonger sells bread, and the whoremonger sells whores. I didn't think it was that shocking of a statement, but my comment really bothered some in the room. In fact, one woman in a very offended tone asked, "Well then why aren't the whores listed too?"

I replied, "Think about the ancient world, most of the prostitutes were sold into that. They were owned by the whoremongers and their services and lives were bought and sold by others." After a pause I added, "Just think about today. The whoremongers then sold sex. Is that really any different than most of our marketing today?"

Another woman was touched by the first part of my comment, and talked about how true it is that those who are abusive and treat people as property hold the traits of whoremongers of old.

But while she was talking, a deeper truth sank into my soul. The question, "Why aren't the whores damned?" echoed throughout my being. As that realization filled my soul I saw the justice and the mercy of God. I became so filled with love for God beyond anything I have ever experienced. God damns the whoremongers, but who did He visit while on earth? He healed the whores. He ate with them, visited them, was ministered to by them. Yes, the prostitutes perform acts of unspeakable sin, but God knows it is because someone has broken something within them. Did you know that 98% of all legal prostitutes in Nevada were sexually abused as a child? In one of my classes we did an in-depth study of prostitution. Those women are so hurt. They are so damaged. They are so trapped. And does God damn them as a whole for acting as they do with such damage and pain? No. He damns those who hurt them. He damns the men who condemn them to this lifestyle. God doesn't often speak in stereotypes. He doesn't often condemn entire swaths of people. But whoremongers? It doesn't matter how nice they are to their mother. It doesn't matter how much money they give to the poor. It doesn't matter what redeeming quality the seem to exhibit in their lives. They damaged one of His daughters to a severe degree. End of story. They are damned.

Oh the mercy and the justice of God.

I wish I could express it correctly and with the power that I feel. Maybe some day I'll be able to eloquently write on the subject. But for now, the realization that God does not damn the whores fills my soul with love and causes me to rejoice in my Redeemer. It confirms that God is love and God is just. I will be thinking on the power of this and the implications and clarification it brings to other doctrine for a long time.

The Line

2008-10-04T22:03:00.003-06:00

On Friday I had an internship interview with a company. I'm still not quite sure what to think of it. I'm not sure I've ever been in an interview before where they used the word "crap."

The interview was actually going really quite well. I wasn't very nervous and I had good answers to their questions. In fact, I was really impressing them with my experience. Unfortunately, I was a little too impressive. I was interviewed by a man and a woman. The man, Travis, leaned forward half way through the interview and said, "Your resume is crap. It doesn't reflect at all the great things you've done." Well I admit I was a bit affronted by this. In fact, I've always gotten really great comments about my resume and my first thought was, "It was good enough to get me this interview, wasn't it?"

Travis then proceeded to tell me to make certain changes to my resume. For example, he wanted me to change the job title of my last position. Um, that was my official job title. He wanted me to change it so it sounded better. There were also a number of other changes he wanted me to make that really felt unethical to me. He and the woman insisted it wasn't wrong, it was giving a clearer picture. But it was giving a clearer picture through half-truths. I was clearly reluctant to make the changes to my resume that they wanted me to make, and they weren't very happy with that. (I don't think they wanted to show the executives that they were recommending a former secretary for a job. That just didn't sound glamorous enough.)

Shortly after that, Travis took a call on his cell phone and left the room. Yeah, that's when you know you're not going to get a fly-back. But at the beginning of the interview they talked about how this was going to be frank and honest, so at the end, I asked the woman for a frank assessment of how I did. She said I had great presence, I was a little bit wordy in my answers, but the real problem was the resume. (Can I just ask now why they interviewed me if my resume was so bad?? I know several people who didn't get an interview who would have loved one!)

So here's the problem. Truth is very important to me. I am a seeker of truth. Am I carrying it too far? Lying outright about your previous job title really seems to cross the line for me. But how close can you get to it? Is the grey area around the line wrong? I'm losing an internship over it. I honestly don't think most issues in life have clear lines. Most things just aren't black and white. And really, I think that sometimes it is exploring the grey area that you find truth. But your resume, to me, should be pretty spotless. It shouldn't be an area of greys. What's the line for a resume?

Week One

2008-09-07T16:50:00.002-06:00

Well, I survived. It was a rough first week of classes, and we only had 4 days. It's going to be a tough semester. But I have the support of my wonderful husband and I think that things will get better once I'm more into the swing of things. I knew the MBA program was designed to throw more at you than you can handle so you learn to prioritize and delegate. So it's actually been a bit easier than I expected. I'm glad I quit my job in February, but it's hard not having my workout schedule and tight deadlines when I'm used to the only thing scheduled being my spin class. Ah well. I guess I have to remember I'm a grown-up now.

I turned 30 this week. Yup. I'm officially old now.

Our house has carpet in it. It's mostly "done" now, meaning we can live in it. We'll need to paint at some point, but that can wait until Christmas break. All of our stuff is on boxes that were shoved into one room for the carpet laying, so we can't find anything yet. But it's still nice to be home. The carpet looks great and feels even better. I had no idea how relaxing comfortable carpet can be.

DH is at his father's house right now picking up some apples. We had regional conference today and Elder Packer said, and I quote "we don't dole out the priesthood in slices." He talked about how the prophet and the newly ordained elder have the same amount of priesthood, they just have different callings within the priesthood. This was a point of major contention one night between DH's father and I. I said that he and my husband had the same amount and quality of priesthood as President Hinckley, Pres Hinckley just had different keys. Well father-in-law was highly offended by that comment and furious that I said it. He said it was blasphemy and basically threw me out. DH actually called his father today to point out that Pres. Packer said the same thing. Of course, father in law said he'd always believed that and DH didn't press the point because just bringing it up had humiliated his father, so he decided not to press for an apology. I certainly didn't expect one and was proud of DH for even calling his father to point it out.

I don't think the misogyny within the LDS culture will ever be removed until men can see themselves as equals in the priesthood. Until that comes, there is no hope for them seeing the women of the church as equals.

Well, those are my random thoughts for this Sunday afternoon.

Beyond Our Vision

2008-08-07T20:43:00.002-06:00

I had the most amazing experience on Sunday.

When my husband woke me up to get ready for church, I told him about the vivid dream I had had. In my dream I was teaching Mission Prep as usual. There was the usual contingent of a few teenagers and the ward missionary couple. The lesson was going okay, but nothing special which frustrated me a bit. I read a passage out of the manual (something I try not to do in class) and then looked up and was shocked. The room was full. There were probably 30 people there of all races and ages 18-80. They were very interested in the lesson. One Jamaican girl kept asking really sincere, true questions. I loved her immediately. She was truly a seeker of truth and was hoping to find it here. She was wonderful to teach. Before the lesson ended I woke up.

The dream left me with a hope that my lesson on Baptism would be a good one. I was worried it would be boring. I went in to teach and nobody showed up. (The background is that the bishop's son set up a "rival" mission prep class that is a lot cooler because they can talk sports, so often the students go to that one. The teacher isn't called, he just teaches because he likes to.) My husband was with me as usual and the ward missionary, Bro. H and his wife came. They're called to attend the mission prep class, though Sis. H often doesn't come as she can't hear the lesson. Bro. H checked and found that all the students were indeed in the other class. We discussed what to do and decided to go to Gospel Doctrine. But we chatted for awhile longer and it became too late to go into that class. I had asked Bro. H to make the decision since he is kind of the one over the class. He said that he wanted to hear the lesson. And it resonated with my stubborn attitude of "I'm called to teach so I'll teach whether nobody shows up or not." So I began to teach a simple lesson on baptism to this elderly couple who have been active members for decades. It was an awkward lesson at first teaching really only Bro. H. But the Spirit entered and we began discussing baptism for the dead, how it was done and the details of it. The Spirit came in stronger and when it was over I felt uplifted and glad.

As I headed for Relief Society I suddenly felt as though I had run into a glass door. I was physically stopped and my dream came vividly before my eyes. I felt an impression and knew that those people had been there. I was not teaching to an empty room. I was teaching to those whose names had been submitted and were contemplating accepting the ordinance of baptism prior to the work being done, as it soon would be. I knew they were there.

Now, I don't know if every empty chair at church is filled with the departed. But I do know that that day I was called to teach and even though it seemed I was teaching to an empty room, it was full. God called me and I taught. It was an amazing experience.

Last Monday -- Encore

2008-07-28T19:25:00.004-06:00

I spoke too soon. The hurricane of sound is about to return.

DH and I have been staying at my parents' house since it's just too dusty and smelly to be staying at our home. But we came here tonight to find a good photo of me (quite the task indeed) to include with an autobiography that I am required to submit to the MBA program. (Really, I don't think of myself of terribly bad looking, but I'm not photogenic in the least.) So anyway, we're sitting on our couch going through photos when we hear our upstairs neighbor turn on the bathtub water. Concurrently we hear water splashing in our bathroom. I wish we'd had a camera at that moment because as we looked at each other, our expressions were priceless. We looked at each other in stunned horror then quickly set down the laptops we had on our laps and ran into the bathroom.

At first we couldn't see anything leaking and thought we had just imagined it. Then I looked down by the toilet and there was water all around it. I felt sick. I thought that our toilet must be leaking and this was clearly then our responsibility. I'm already nervous about the expense we'll have to bear for repairing everything else, and the thought of replacing a toilet and having to dry out everything again on our dime was painful. But then DH noticed that there was water splashed all over the top of the toilet. Huh? As we looked around we saw that from the holes the emergency clean up crew had drilled into our drywall above the toilet, water was running out. It had bubbled the paint and splashed out onto the toilet. The drywall was soaking wet. DH just put his finger through the hole and pulled. The wall came out easily revealing two huge holes drilled in the bathtub drain of our neighbors. When the crew punched the holes in our wall, they went right through the drain as well. Since Monday night, every time they've taken a bath or bathed their son it has been draining right into our wall.

I am so grateful that we were here at the moment they were running water down the drain or I don't know when it would have been caught! *sigh* But that probably means more holes punched and more loud fans. Hopefully, they won't need to bring in the dehumidifier. Those are REALLY loud. I had called our repair company earlier today and told them we had a mildew smell. She assured me that anti-microbial stuff had been sprayed on everything and we couldn't have mildew or anything molding. Which, assuming that there aren't two huge holes punctured in the drain pipe, she was right. We've been smelling their bathwater sitting in our walls.

At least we discovered it now. They can't begin repairs until all the appraisals are done, which won't happen until Thursday at the very earliest. So this means that they can get it drying and ready for repairs in time to not set anything back. I really am full of gratitude to my Heavenly Father for the support and tender mercies that are occurring with all of this. It could have been so much worse.

Blessed Silence

2008-07-24T12:31:00.003-06:00

Ah, how good the quiet sounds. Our home is finally dry and they are taking out the dehumidifiers and fans. It's really nice. It's quiet. One woman in my ward said it sounded like a hurricane.

I've never like loud things, but I'm surprised at how stressed the loud house made me. I think I'll be able to handle all of the insurance issues and reconstruction much better now that the house is quiet and we'll be able to have air conditioning. We can actually sleep here tonight now. Ah, sleep in our own beds! It almost makes me want to cry with joy.

I took a bunch of pictures of the house, but I don't know how to upload them. I'll have to wait for DH to show me how to do that. I might be able to figure it out on the old computer, but the new laptop we got for the MBA program is still somewhat of a mystery to me. It has the new Window's Vista and I'm quite annoyed with it.

Oh, the silence is beautiful though. It actually hurt my ear when they turned off the dehumidifier. The sudden quiet was painful. But I am so glad for it.

Insurance

2008-07-22T13:38:00.002-06:00

I just had the last straw with American Family. But I'd best back up and relate the whole story.

So our upstairs neighbors, who are renters, flooded our house when their son pulled the hose that goes into the toilet. This means insurance nightmare. I was on the phone for over 6 hours yesterday with insurance companies trying to work out who pays for what. My insurance company, State Farm, was wonderful. They were so kind and thoughtful. But we have a $2,000 deductible with them so they suggested we see if another insurance will pay. Besides which, we didn't cause the damage. They advised me to contact the HOA insurance company. They only cover the exterior of the building and the grounds, but it's best to inform them and have them come check it out anyway. So I put in a claim with them and they said they'd send someone out in 48 hours or so.

So next, to the insurance of the renters and the owner of that condo. They told me they were with American Family Insurance, but they had already called in a claim and were told that renters insurance only covered their goods and not damage to property. Great. So I get the contact info for their landlord, Gary. I call him to get his insurance information and he tells me he has the same insurance as I do. I said that yes, we had the same HOA insurance, but I needed his condo insurance. He didn't realize (even though when I was on the HOA board I personally sent him letters saying that the HOA insurance does not cover the interior and he needed to get coverage) that it wasn't covered. He doesn't have a mortgage on the place, so he's not required by law to keep it insured. When I told him the HOA coverage doesn't cover interior stuff, he started yelling at me. He was furious and yelled as though it was all my fault. I gave him the current president's number and don't envy her that call. He was really no fun to work with at all. And now he has a flooded condo and no insurance to cover the damage.

So now I call back to State Farm -- actually, I sould give a shout out. His name is Bob Clark. I worked mostly with Doreen in the office, but they were wonderful. I am so glad we switched to them about a year ago. They've just been wonderful, there's no other adjective for it. Okay, so I call State Farm and they told me that despite what my neighbors had been told, we were covered. All renters policies carry a liability coverage, and as long as they are negligent their liability kicks in. So the fact that their son caused the damage makes them negligent and it should pay. I didn't know what would have to happen to prove this, but it gave me something.

So now I'm calling American Family and because they cover so much of the midwest they are swamped (pardon the pun) with claims for property damage. It was Monday and they were backlogged from the weekend. I only ever got to talk to auto accident specialists. All I wanted to know was, could I call someone to clean it up or did I have to wait for their person to come out and assess damages first? Nobody knew. Now I have to admit they were really kind and had great phone service skills. But they had no information that was helpful. After a few hours someone from property damage called me, but then she realized that it was a liability claim and she couldn't help or give me advice either. So it had to get transferred again. Meanwhile, water is seeping further into the walls. DH and my mother were mopping up what they could, but I didn't know if I could call a recovery place. I spent hours with American Family trying to get answers. Finally they sent it to someone in Salt Lake (I'd been talking with people in Denver and Des Moines.) Again, they wouldn't give me any information because they hadn't assessed negligence yet. So I called State Farm and they recommended I call ServPro and have them come out and start drying things out. It's something that has to be done whether insurance covers it or not. So I called them and they came within the hour. (BTW, they are wonderful! I would highly recommend them to anyone! I'll post about them another time.) Just as they get working I get a call from AmFam and he said that he'd spoken with the neighbors who admitted their son pulled the hose, which means negligence, but he was still going to investigate. *sigh* He didn't leave me with much information at all. I called him back today to find out what the liability coverage limit was and see when I'd know for sure if they were covering, but his voicemail says he's on vacation for the next few days. Nice. I was being patient with them, but really. He takes everything, talks to me last night and then leaves for a few days without telling me who to talk to in the meantime.

So I called back my people at State Farm and they said standard liability coverage is $100,000 -- plenty to cover the damage. At this point, I'm thinking it will be about $20,000. It's going to be $3-4k for the drying, $10k for repairing the walls, and then I don't know how much for the carpet and painting and linoleum.

Oh, I hope, I hope that they find negligence. Otherwise we've got to go through our place and pay $2,000 and probably our insurance company will sue the neighbors for the rest. But from the very moment when I found the water and talked to them, they said it was their son who pulled it out. I don't know what else it could be. But you never know with insurance companies ...

Water Water Everywhere

2008-07-21T20:31:00.002-06:00

Well, I had thought that today's post would be about our wonderful trip to Oregon that we took last week. (We got home really late Saturday night.) Instead it's about water. Lots and lots of water. We have water everywhere, in our lights, on the carpet, in the walls, warping our linoleum. It's just everywhere.

We slipped back into our usual routine this morning. I drove Burke to work and then went to my spin class. Upon returning home, I opened the front door and heard water running. I panicked and ran into the house. The light fixture in our hallway and the one above our stairs were running water. I ran upstairs (we own a bottom floor condo with a main floor and a basement) and pounded on our upstairs neighbor's door. I must admit I pounded really hard as though I was being chased by a murderer, but I wanted them to stop the water. It turns out they had already stopped it. Their one year-old son had pulled out the pipe that goes from the floor to the toilet tank. It must have been an hour or more before they noticed. Their place is flooded, but most of the water ran down the walls into our place.

Poor DH. It was his first day back at work and they had planned all these meetings and things with him to catch up after being gone for a week. I called him, and when he didn't answer, I just kept calling. He was in a meeting with the VP, but when he saw I had called 4 times in a row, he took the call. My first words were, "The house is flooded." He tied up some loose ends and got a ride home. My mother came over also and they worked on cleaning up while I wrestled with insurance companies (there were 5 that needed to be contacted.) Our walls and ceilings were full with huge bubbles of water. DH poked one and about a gallon of water came out. We had to keep poking holes in our ceiling and walls to let out the water. Because the water was filling all the electrical equipment, we also had to turn off the electricity.

Our main floor had substantial damage, but it was nothing compared to the basement. The hallway, ceilings and walls were drenched. The linoleum at the bottom of the stairs got water under it and has started to warp. The walls are a joke. If you lean to hard on them you'll go right through.

While DH and my mother mopped up what they could, I tried to find out if we could call in disaster recovery or if we had to have an insurance person come out and assess the damage first. This took a great deal of wrangling. Whose insurance should pay? The upstairs neighbors are renters, but they have renters insurance. Thank heavens. They got it because it was only $9/month and having multiple policies dropped their car insurance by $20/month. And it turns out that the man who owns the condo DOESN'T HAVE INSURANCE!!!! I'm not one for passing judgment too often, but that's just stupid.

Anyway, I'll write about the insurance battle later. We eventually did call in disaster recovery and they just barely walked out the door. They've ripped out our carpets (every stitch of carpet in the house will need to be replaced) and are coming back to rip out the drywall tomorrow. They said the drywall alone will be $10,000. $10,000!!! I don't know what the limit of our neighbor's insurance is, but I hope it's higher than that. (It looks like they will cover us, but it's still a bit iffy. They acknowledge their son did it and as long as they are considered "negligent" by the insurance company, we will get covered.)

There have been several miracles though. First, is that it happened today -- our first full day back from vacation. If it had happened a few days ago, the whole house would have been ruined. It would have soaked into everything and molded. We would have lost everything. The second miracle is that the worst of everything is in the hallways, bathrooms, and stairs. Virtually no furniture was damaged, no photos, books, paintings, clothes, or anything of sentimental value. Given the extreme extent of the damage (the repair people were amazed at the amount of water in our basement) that is truly a blessing. Even my food storage room was totally flooded, but thanks to the way I store, nothing at all is lost. None of my year supply is lost even though it was totally flooded! That is truly a blessing. And another great miracle is that I have behaved myself as a true Christian. I've been calm and in good humor. As our neighbors apologized, I just said, "Don't worry about it, these things happen." And I really meant it. The husband from upstairs helped me set up a ladder so I could remove the running light fixture above the stairs and I thanked him as he left. He just said, "Why are you thanking me? This is our fault!" I was just glad he helped out. I think it helped lift their burden of guilt. I'm kind of normally more of a "freak out" person. Especially when it has the potential of being really expensive. But I've been calm and in good humor and hardly even had acid reflux over it -- which for me is saying something. My heart rate has been high, but I didn't really get my usual cool down at home after the gym and it has been rather busy.

We're spending the night at my parents' tonight. Our house is full of REALLY loud fans and de-humidifiers. I'm really grateful that we can do that. And I'm grateful that we didn't lose anything of great import. I attribute all of these blessings to the Lord. He has blessed us today far beyond what we deserve. I will work harder to be the better person that deserves such love and to show the gratitude for this gift.

Lunch with Friends

2008-07-10T17:41:00.002-06:00

Some friends from my freshman year in college are in town. Some of us got together for lunch today. Though FoxyJ is in Utah, this lunch wasn't with her. It's mostly the female friends that DH had through junior high and high school. It was really good to see them again. We've known each other for over 10 years now. It's interesting to see how much has changed and how much has stayed the same.

I'm not a terribly social person, so I don't have a lot of friends. I've never really been one to have lots and lots of friends. I usually have just a few good friends. Unfortunately, I've made some bad choices regarding those friends at times in the past. But this group and my roommates freshman and sophomore year in college have all been really good friends. It's funny that I met all of them within a year. Okay, so I'll go a year or more without talking to them, but I still consider them my friends.

Tomorrow I'm going to get a massage. Two friends of mine own the place. Again, I haven't talked to them in years. They are really friendly and social, unlike me. But I'll be glad to see them again -- and getting a massage isn't bad either. I've had an aweful lot of chest pain and I'm hoping they can relax it. My own paranoia makes me think that I'm having a heart attack with every twinge. But I just saw the doctor and she just laughed. She said that high cholesterol builds up over time, I wouldn't be having a heart attack now. I've had high cholesterol for a year and a half at most, because it was low when we took it June 2006.

So random post. But it was fun to get together with friends. I wish I could get together with friends more. I'm just not really very social though and am not good at arranging such things. I need to work on that.

Cholesterol and Redemption?

2008-07-08T08:52:00.002-06:00

Normally in the morning I am not very awake and am pretty slow in my thinking. But as I said the prayer over my bowl of cereal, I burst out laughing. I realized that I had just compared cholesterol drugs to the atonement of Jesus Christ. Here's the situation.

In October I got a routine cholesterol check. Normally my cholesterol is really good, low LDL and high HDL. Just what one wants. Well, this time it came back really high. 249 high. I was shocked. The doctor ordered it to be taken again because my history and diet indicated that it was probably wrong. Nope. It came back the same. My doctor told me to watch my diet and exercise and test again in 3 months.

My diet is really good cholesterol-wise. I'm allergic to sour cream, cream cheese, Ranch dressing, and shortening (so no fried foods). I don't eat red meat. I hate the taste of butter and eggs make me sick. But I went extreme. For three months I hardly ate a gram of saturated fat. Nothing passed my lips unless I knew it's fat content. I also started exercising. It was just a walking program on treadmills at the gym (yes I got a gym membership.) I started jogging, but I hurt my knee, so I went back to walking. I did everything I could. I even began taking the metformin that I had put off taking because it made me sick. I re-tested and my cholesterol was down to 223. Yes, that's still high, but it was a 26 point drop. So I was happy. The doctor was happy. She told me to test again in another 3 months.

So I began a new 3 month regimine. I'll admit, I wasn't as fanatical about saturated fat. But my diet was still very low in it. I may not eat as many veggies as I should, but I keep trans fats out and really low sat fat. But in this three months I really revved up the exercise. I was at the gym 3-4 times each week. I started a spin class and 3 times a week I went. I've gotten a heart rate monitor that calculates calories burned. I burn over 900 calories in class each time. If I get there early enough, I will burn over 1200 calories a session. It is a killer class and it requires a lot of hard work and dedication to get to class and work hard in it. If you haven't done spin/cycle you don't know what I'm talking about. But it's intense. I also started lifting weights. It took a great deal of dedication and committment on my part to really enter a workout program that would really push me without injuring me. I did slack off on the metformin though. I really don't like taking that drug. So anyway, I tested again at the end of that 3 months. 263. Yes. That's right. I went UP 40 points. All the increase was in LDL. I was pretty crushed. That just didn't seem fair. I went home and did tons of research on supplements and other ways to lower cholesterol. I've been taking stuff with sterols and such. I test again tomorrow, about 6 weeks after that 263 score. But I've been in a real state of panic. I've been imagining all kinds of chest pain and picturing myself having a heart attack. I had a gyn appointment about a month ago and told that doctor about the cholesterol score, and he said I needed to see my primary care doctor and get some drugs.

So I saw my doctor at 7:30 this morning. She noted that I have lost 10 pounds since October. I could hardly believe that was right. But I'm not going to question that. She congratulated me on losing the weight. I was quite happy. When I told her about my new cholesterol score though she was kind of shocked. With a good diet and exercising enough to lose 10 pounds, my cholesterol shouldn't be going up, and certainally not up 40 points! *sigh* She said that sometimes genes just kick in and there is nothing to be done but start medications. It really seems like a defeat since I've worked so hard to pull the cholesterol down and it's only gone up. I had wanted to avoid drugs, but that just wasn't going to work apparently.

So anyway, I get home from the doctor and pour my cereal. As I'm saying my prayer I ask the Lord to bless that these drugs will make up the difference in my shortfall. I'm working as hard as I can and doing everything I can to lower this cholesterol, but I just can't get it down. I need these drugs to make up the difference beyond what I can do. I needed cholesterol drug redemption. That's when I laughed and realized the parallel. I've been teaching a lot on the grace vs. works debate so the language was in my head. Therefore, when my prayer was, "please bless that the drugs will make up the difference since I've done all I can do" I just had to laugh. Perhaps I have bad cholesterol just so the Lord could really give me an exampel of the workings of the atonement in our lives, how it bridges the gap we cannot bridge ourselves. Maybe not. But it sure was an interesting and entertaining learning experience for me.

Insanity Defined

2008-06-29T20:21:00.003-06:00

My family has a favorite saying:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

It is amazing how many people and organizations do the same thing over and over again and yet expect something different to happen. We live among the insane.

I have been slowly gaining confirmation that I need to attend the MBA program with a major in Organizational Behavior. But today's experience in Church has confirmed that I need one. Our bishop has made one of the most common errors that leaders make when trying to make a change. The number one mistake is to assume that people aren't doing something because they are not motivated. 9 times out of 10 motivation is NOT the problem. There are usually structural/social issues that are the root of the problem. We live in a good ward with very willing people. But he's been going around trying to guilt trip people into changing behavior. It doesn't work that way. It has never worked that way. For example, one of his things is that July is the month in which our ward has to clean the building. Whenever it's our time, they announce in Sacrament to come on Wed at 8:30 to clean the church. They don't get a huge turnout. He wants to keep just announcing in Sacrament and have everyone show up. That would be doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. He doesn't want to have a calling tree, reminders, have the youth part of the solution (since they use the building until 8:30), nothing. He wants to change nothing. At the combined RS and Priesthood meeting he just railed about how we have no commitment to Christ. If we had commitment, we'd be there. No. That's not the answer.

For example, we can't be there this Wednesday because DH is hosting his Japanese counterpart for dinner and activities. I am to go with them as his counterpart is female. We can't come clean or he will lose his job or be demoted. The calling to provide for and protect his family takes precedence over cleaning the chapel. However, there is no one to call and tell we won't be there. We have no one we can call and say, "we can't come on Wed. could you take our place?" There is no structure within which to work to ensure that the work is done. So when we're not there on Wed. our bishop will assume that we aren't there because we have no testimony nor commitment to Christ. Which of course only leads him into sin as he will be passing an unrighteous judgment upon us. And I'm coming to that conclusion because that's what he said in Church.

Did I bring up that this was a structural and not motivational problem? Did I say that maybe we needed to look at changing the manner in which we get people to clean? Oh yes. Was the bishop upset because my comment didn't reinforce his preconceived notions of the problem? Did he also look at me like, what would a woman know about this? You bet. Once I get my degree I can at least preface comments like this with, "I have a master's degree in this and what needs to be done is..." Simply saying I grew up with the FOUNDER of OB and have had case studies fed to me with dinner each night doesn't go far. It's been interesting to see the way people have started treating me differently when I say I'm starting the MBA program at BYU. It makes a difference. But it inclines me even more to think that people will actually listen to me and respect my ideas once I have those three letters after my name. The Lord has blessed me with many gifts regarding finance and organizational behavior. I really feel that He wants me to use those gifts but He knows no one will let me use them without a degree, because no one will listen to me with out it.

I don't have corporate aspirations, but I could list 10 different structural changes that could be made, any one of which would increase turnout to clean the ward building. A small change or two would solve the problem. It would harness the motivation and commitment of our people and create the outcome desired. Even the Lord didn't send us down here and say, "Okay, a commited people will do everything so go at it." No. He declares that His house is a house of Order. The purpose of the priesthood and it's keys is to designate the responsibility of everyone and ensure that everyone is cared for. He doesn't leave it to chance. He establishes ORDER. It is a structure within which one can be assured that everyone receives the ordinances and care required for all of God's children. I have a gift to see this. I need the degree to use it. Hopefully doing so will bring a bit more sanity into this world.

What would you do?

2008-06-25T22:51:00.005-06:00

I really didn't want this blog to be very personal, since it's not hard to guess who I am. But I really need to write the pain I have right now. I'm hoping it helps me. If I don't feel better for writing it soon, I'll just take it down.

A few days ago I received a phone call from a social worker asking if my husband and I would be interested in adopting a little baby boy who had been born the day before. My heart jumped, that sounded wonderful. Then she added, "but there are some complications." She told me the baby was born at 25 weeks, was 1.5 pounds, the mother drank the first 1.5 months of pregnancy and smoked throughout. The baby was in the NICU right now. Would we, she asked, be willing to be considered to parent such a child? I told her I needed to talk to DH. She said of course, and that I also needed to call my health insurance. For some reason MedicAid was denying coverage for this boy and so our health insurance must cover the baby from the day of birth, not from the day of placement.

I called DH, apprised him of the situation, and we decided we'd talk about it when he got home. (It was about 3pm.) Then I called my aunt. She adopted a boy who was born at 24 weeks. He is a difficult child to say the least and I only have the highest respect and admiration for everything they have done for their son. It has not been easy at all. She understood exactly what I was wondering. She talked about what a blessing it was to have her son and how much she's grown. But she made sure I understood the emotional hardship it would be, and that we would never have the life we had imagined. It's not all that bad, the new life, but we would need to accept we wouldn't have what we expected. She said it's like planning a trip to Australia, getting the guide books, getting excited, boarding the plane, then landing in the middle of an ocean, being given a canoe -- no paddles -- and told to travel the rest of the way to the new destination of Ethiopia under our own steam. The ocean is beautiful and Ethiopia has many wonders, but it's nothing like the trip to Australia you had planned. Her son will always live with them. He is such a challenge. And his birth mother didn't drink or smoke, so he had excellent chances. My aunt also pointed out that I needed to realize that there is a very high chance of cerebral palsy and other disorders that can't be diagnosed for months. I needed to be prepared to accept that. But she also said she's never seen a couple more ready to take it on that me and DH. If we were willing, we could give a very good home to this child. After all, what are we here for but to raise and teach God's children?

I next called my friend who adopted her son. She was of one mind: Find out from God if he's your baby. If he is, you take him. If not, let his parents find him.

My heart was so softened and I felt such love for this child. I felt rather certain that he was for us, and I would rise to the challenges. DH has a good job and I have such an extensive family network here, really, if anyone were to do it, we were well positioned to. Though I didn't think DH would be as thrilled. He doesn't mind having a special needs child, but he wanted to have the first child more whole, so he could practice parenting skills. His own family has atrocious parenting skills and he's worried about slipping into the pattern in which he was raised. I don't fear that a bit, but it's real for him. He would make such a great father.

I called our health insurance and they said they only cover starting at placement, not retroactively to birth.

Then I picked up DH and started discussing it on the ride home. While we were driving we got another call from the social worker. She had more information. The child was born blue and not breathing. He had to have oxygen hand pumped for 40 minutes and then was life flighted to another hospital. If the insurance didn't cover retroactively, we'd have to pay for everything until placement out of pocket (around $50,000 at this point), as well as the adoption expenses (nearly $10,000), and the future medical costs. The out of pocket expense would be about $10,000/day until placement. Also, the baby is in critical condition. They don't know if he'll live. If we were chosen for placement, we'd need to place as soon as possible to get on the insurance, but it's possible he could die an hour later. We'd be responsible for all the costs, but never have been allowed to even touch him. (My aunt told me that it will be months before he can be touched.) Also, the social worker was concerned that our health insurance does have a cap. Assuming the boy survives, he will rack up at least $1.5 million in expenses just from the NICU treatment. He will need extensive surgeries, possibly transplants, drugs, and other treatments later. With that she hung up and let us discuss.

First thing I checked at home was if our insurance has a cap. It does. $2.5 million. A million dollars seems like a lot until we started looking at probable and possible expenses. This child would likely bankrupt us.

How many times have you heard General Authorities say, "Don't consider whether you have enough money to have children." During the Worldwide leadership training they said, "We don’t have children because we have money, because we have means. We have children with faith."

So it was tearing in trying to discuss this as to whether we should even make the fact that the child would likely bankrupt us as part of the equation. Bankrupt parents can't provide the non-health insurance covered camps and therapies that he will need.

DH took the second call from the social worker and when he told me about the difficult delivery and the lack of oxygen, I can't explain what happened. Something shut off inside of me. I don't know what it was. Whereas I had been willing before to take the child, now I couldn't even begin to stir the feelings that we should have him. Then he told me about the finances issue the social worker brought up.

We prayed and agonized all night. Having a child right now seemed to so perfectly fit the puzzle of our lives. It answered all the questions on a myriad of different subjects we had been praying about. In fact, having a special needs child seemed to be the exact answer we were looking for. But no matter how we tried, we just couldn't get this puzzle piece to fit. It looked like it should, it seemed to go there in our hearts. But no matter how hard we pounded it just wouldn't go in. He wasn't our son. At least, he didn't seem to be. It hurts even to just write that.

I cannot express how terrible I feel. I feel like I've looked into my soul and found a horrible, detestable being there. I despise myself.

I called the social worker the next day and told her we didn't think he was ours, and we shouldn't be considered. But before I could say that, I had to make sure there were other couples willing to adopt him. Whether or not I felt like he was ours, I couldn't just abandon him with no one. She said there were several couples who were now being considered and they were all fasting and praying for this boy. He is in very critical condition. I am glad that there are some people out there with that strength.

A few hours after that phone call the insurance company called me back saying they had made a mistake and that as long as the child is placed within 31 days they will retroactively cover from birth. This made us consider, does this change anything?

Once you're placed with a child you must wait 6 months until finalization. You cannot be sealed before finalization. What if the child dies before finalization? Would we be adopting a child who would never really be ours, not in either this life or the next? I don't think you can do a sealing in that situation.

I just feel dreadful. I wish the feeling would go away. DH and I are taking a 1 night vacation tomorrow. It's been planned for months. But the timing is particularly good. We need to get away. I love him so much. But this has been very hard on him too. I wish I could at least make it not hard on him. I love him.

P.S. I forgot to add that the night before calling the social worker and declining to be considered I had a dream. I dreamed we got to hold the baby, and even take him home. He was difficult, but we loved him. But someone kept coming to our door telling us he wasn't ours and we needed to give him back. I knew we needed to. I knew he wasn't ours. But I was doing so well; I'd taught him how to calm himself by sucking on his wrist. It was a big accomplishment. But he wasn't ours. After all the delays I could think of, I finally handed him over and she walked out with him. I think that was part of the answer to my prayer. It helps a little bit to asuage my feelings of guilt when I focus on it as possibly being an answer from God.

Not Yet

2008-06-12T23:35:00.002-06:00

"Not yet." I doubt that this happens outside of Mormon Utah, but every introduction my husband and I have here includes the phrase, "not yet" and I HATE it. Here's how it goes:

"Mr. and Mrs. DH and Me, meet Mr. and Mrs. New People"

"Nice to meet you" is said by all and handshakes given.

Then, New People ask, "So do you have any kids?"

"No," we reply.

Then, the inevitable. They reply, "Oh, not yet."

AARGH! Now I know I shouldn't be so "sensitive," and believe me I've put up with way worse, including some truly horrible comments from people, with great grace. This is just a pet peeve and we're all entitled to those, right? (JackJen would be so disappointed with my lack of grace on the subject and probably think I'm being all touchy. But she has her pet peeves too.)

Besides, why always the "not yet"? Why must they include it? What are they trying to say? Some are just covering for the awkward, "hm, my introductory question didn't lead anywhere so now what do I say" moment. But from others it feels like they are trying to push us toward societal norms, making sure we know that children are what is expected of us. And sadly I've learned that some add "not yet" to find out if we are planning on having kids so they know whether we are righteous enough to establish a relationship with them. These people inevitably follow up their "not yet" with "So how long have you been married anyway?" or even worse, "Oh, so your newlywed?" Gag. Like such a personal question is there buisness anyway.

When I first pointed this out to DH a few years ago, he hadn't noticed. I told him to watch and since then he's seen that every time, we get the "not yet." The last time we got the "not yet" was at a timeshare presentation. We had the identical conversation as above and after her "not yet" I replied, "not ever." (I was really annoyed, they were supposed to give us a great gift for showing up, but they had welched on it and they had already made us wait way longer than we should have.) She looked at me a bit stunned, then said, "Oh, you'll change your minds."

I looked her full in the face and said, "No. We can't have kids. So what's this timeshare you're selling." Then she proceeds to go on and on about proceedures and things that can be done and on and on. We couldn't get her to shut up about it. She talked about it, with us clearly uncomfortable and trying to change the subject for 80 minutes. It was supposed to be a 90 minute presentation and she had 10 minutes left and hadn't started. Yes, she kept us there an extra 90 minutes so we could get our "gift" (that was cheap as I mentioned.) She was clearly disturbed that we were resigned to not have kids. She simply couldn't even sell something to us if we were so evil as to not be planning on having kids. (And trust me, after 80 minutes of enforced conversation on the subject I got her views.) So I learned my lesson: Responding to "not yet" can make it even worse. I'm not sure what I'll do next time I'm "not yet"-ed. Just pray it isn't you who says it.

Lessons From FoxyJ

2008-06-08T21:11:00.003-06:00

Winter semester my freshman year I moved into 1910 Gates Hall at BYU. I had 5 roommates. FoxyJ was one of them. She and I were either roommates or lived next door to each other for the next few years until she left to serve a mission. I really liked her, she was one of the best roommates I had. I was always impressed with her, but since her marriage and following her blog, my admiration for her has greatly increased. She has handled much with great grace, but she is also very humble and self-deprecating, so I'm not sure she would like me extolling everything I admire about her. But trust me, she's really amazing. Not to mention the debt I owe her for introducing me to my husband.

I've been thinking about Foxy an awful lot lately because of two posts she wrote, this and this. They were written over a year ago but they have had an impact on me. Perhaps you have to know Foxy to understand the impact it was to see her say "I can do hard things." She'd already done many hard things, but there was something so simply beautiful in the phrase. It's become a sort of mantra for me.

Life is really hard right now. I think everyone has times when they feel like everything they do is an absolute failure. It's one of those times right now for me. And frankly a number of things have occurred to completely destroy my confidence in entering the MBA program. I've come very close to withdrawing. But I remember Foxy's words and say to myself, "I can do hard things." I certainly can't throw in the towel and quit everything -- frankly, I feel like I'd even botch that up. But I'm amazed at how much strength I can derive from telling myself "I can do hard things."

It's funny the way life turns out. Way back in the freshman days if I had to pick who I would see as a pillar of strength and an example of bold discipleship, I don't think I would have picked Foxy. Bold, pillar, example to the world, are not phrases I would have used for her. She's rather shy and would rather not be the center of attention. But they are exactly what describe her now. She's an inspiration to thousands because of what she has gone through so amazingly. If Foxy can do hard things that are way beyond what I'm facing now, I can do hard things too.

And Foxy, if you ever read this, I'm sorry if I've embarrassed you. I know you'd contradict much of what I've said. But it's true.

I'll go where you want me to go ... even to Provo

2008-06-03T19:23:00.003-06:00

During DH's second year of his MBA program he applied to probably hundreds of jobs. We weren't picky about location. We were happy to go anywhere. DH had some promising leads for jobs in Ukraine, China, Russia, Brazil, and even northern Canada. However, for some reason they all fell through. His background was really unique which made it hard for recruiters to classify him and send him on through the interview process. Once school ended and he still didn't have a job, he went in to campus for 40 hours a week and applied for jobs. He used the recruiting center, they said his resume and practice interviews were perfect and were completely baffeled why he wasn't passing the interviews and getting a job. As you can imagine, we prayed a lot. It was a very nerve-wracking time. Our prayers were earnest. We prayed that DH would get a good job and we would be sent where we would do the most good for the ward we moved into, and we prayed that we could get there soon! That was our prayer.

You cannot imagine our shock when in June, a random opportunity came up in Provo and DH landed the dream job. I had researched housing in dozens of different markets, contemplated exactly how we'd do living in various countries, and been prepared to march out into the "mission field" and serve. I wouldn't have a job and no kids at home, so I really thought "out there" I'd be able to be a great force for good. But Provo? We had a home in Orem and so it worked that we would just stay here. What striking good could I do here in Orem? It didn't make sense for me to quit my job, and we had both been released from our callings in anticipation of our moving. Our house was for sale, and we had several people wanting to give offers, but we told them we wouldn't take an offer until we got a job offer. Now we were staying here. This just didn't make sense to me. DH had been told that he would have been called as YM president if we weren't going to be moving. So all the good he could have done now seemed nil. Why were we still here? It just didn't make sense.

Time passed and I was called to teach Gospel Essentials. After a few months the class was combined to be Gospel Essentials and Mission Prep. I taught every week and at one point had 17 students. Some were prospective missionaries, some just returning to Church after years of inactivity, and others were just 17-ish kids who were sick of hearing the same old thing in their Sunday School classes and were given permission to come to this one. DH was called as 1st counselor in YM. I love teaching, but how could that compare with the work I could have done for the Church in Ukraine?

Just before Christmas, DH was told that his company was changing strategy and would not be having any junior consultants anymore, only senior ones. So he was being laid off. He got an extension through most of February. The whole thing was messy and bad. They did it poorly. They didn't listen to DH and make the changes he had suggested, and now, exactly 2 years later we can see it completely sinking. Maybe I'll post more on that some other time. The point is, DH was now in the job market again. This time for a long time. Again, he applied all over the world. He worked as a mortgage broker with a man in our ward to help with bills and to keep busy, but he spent hours each night researching companies, customizing his resume to match the qualifications of each job, and applying. Again, our prayer was the same. Send us where we can do the most good. I figured that maybe the job in the ward where we can really make a difference just hadn't opened up before, so maybe the consulting job was just to tide us over until the "real" one would show up.

Months went by with no job offers. Close sometimes, but no offer. Only those of you who have lived through extended unemployment can understand how hard that is. Then one day, I was searching job listings and found one for a Business Intelligence Analyst at NS. Now, I knew DH would not be thrilled at applying for something at a company like NS, and the Business Intelligence job used lots of his programming skills, which he was trying to get away from. But it was something and I figured it was worth a shot. He applied, got an interview, and they asked him to apply for another job that wasn't even posted, a Marketing Analytics position. So he did, interviewed, and got the job at a salary far above our expectations. And yes, it was in Provo. Now, he LOVES the job. He LOVES the people he works with. The company mission is not nearly as bad as he thought it was, and you can be proud to work with the team he has and the wonderful work the company does. But, it's in Provo. Again, we're in the same ward we were in before. I was confused.

It was really clear to us by this time that the Lord wanted us in this ward serving here. There was no other place IN THE WHOLE WORLD where we would make more of a difference. We were willing to go anywhere and the Lord sent us here. Why? Our ward has tons of strong families and hardly any inactive at all. Why here?

I got a little bit of my answer this last Sunday. I teach my class as best I can. We've sent out 5 missionaries so far, and have 2 more to go soon. It's dwindled in size somewhat, but I really do the best I can. My rule is that if someone has a question about something, that's more important than anything I've prepared, so we'll change the lesson if I know the answer. If I don't, that will be the lesson the next week. Usually, I have an answer though so we can explore issues and concerns at the moment they are relevant and help everyone. It's a great class. We have some people from another ward who are recently re-activated (one after an ex-communication) who come to the class. They are absolutely wonderful and bring up such interesting points that strengthen all.

Well, last Sunday I found out that when Elder Ballard came to our Stake Conference to set apart a new Stake Presidency, he sat down and talked with my bishop. One of the main subjects of their conversation was my class. My bishop talked to Elder Ballard about how much good my class has done and how it has prepared our youth for missions. If you had a few minutes to talk to an Apostle about the good in the ward, what would you talk about? I wouldn't have guessed that it would be my class. I didn't think it made that much of a difference. But my bishop and an Apostle thought differently. Now, I don't think this fully answers why we're still here, (though I could tell you stories of amazing work DH has done with the YM), but it's a start. I need to puzzle out what it all means. But I can tell you, I've gained a greater testimony of fulfilling your calling to the best of your ability. The Lord may have put you -- yes, you -- there because no one else in the entire world could do it as well as you could, and He called you there because there is nowhere else in the entire world He would rather have you be.

Soup's On

2008-05-28T13:46:00.005-06:00

"Stop! What are you doing?" MIL shouted with a note of panic and horror that would have been fitting had I been pounding nails into her coffee table.

My mind raced. What had I done wrong? I looked down at the ladle in one hand and the bowl of chicken noodle soup in the other. MIL had definitely handed me the ladle. She'd told me to dish up soup. Was I supposed to get it for someone else? We had had the prayer, right? I definitely remembered the prayer. I looked at her completely confused and said, "Dishing up the soup?"

MIL fell back in her chair and absolutely cackled. She took hold of her husband's arm to brace herself as she shook with laughter. "Look at her," MIL said through the cackles. "She don't even know how to do soup! She's putting the soup in the bowl!"

I looked to my husband for help, but he was clearly as bewildered as I was.

"The bowl is for the salad!" she cried shaking her head and looking at me as though I were an idiot. "You put the soup on the plate."

Ah, of course.

MIL chuckled the rest of the dinner, muttering occasionally, "She don't even know how to do soup."

As I dumped the very watery chicken noodle soup onto my plate and dried out my bowl for the salad, I resolved to be more demure next time we ate with my husband's parents and let someone else get their food first.

To Believe On Their Words

2008-05-28T12:48:00.004-06:00

In preparing for visiting teaching I read the conference talk "Testimony" given by Elder Oaks. I was impressed by a number of things. I liked that he compared "knowing" Jesus is the Christ with knowing that you love your spouse. Neither can be scientifically proven, and yet are no less valid truths.

The part that stood out most to me though was when he talked about our requirement to bear our testimony not just to gain and keep one, but so that others may excercise their spiritual gifts. DC 46:11-12 says, "For all have not every gift given unto them; for there are many figts, and to every man is given a gift by the Spirit of God. To some is given one, and to some is given another, that all may be profited thereby." Now, we don't all have every single gift given to us, but verse 8 commands us to "seek ye earnestly the best gifts" which to me indicates that though we were not born with them, we may seek to acquire them and use them at the times in our lives when they are needed.

This brings me to the first two gifts listed in verses 13-14, "To some it is given by the Holy Ghost to know that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, and that he was crucified for the sins of the world. To others it is given to believe on their words, that they also might have eternal life if they continue faithful." Elder Oaks said that by withholding your testimony from being voiced, you are denying the ability of others to believe and attain eternal life. But the part that was so striking to me was a realization that sometimes I need to exercise the gift of believing on the words of others. I firmly believe that we can all attain a testimony and knowledge of any aspect of the gospel. I believe it is our right as children of God, and that He wants us to seek those answers. But those answers don't usually come quickly nor easily. When, in the struggle of seeking an answer I need to remember to excercise the gift to believe on the words of those who have a greater knowledge than I, a greater faith. They may not know the answer to the pain I am seeking answers about, but they know that God has an answer for me that I will find acceptable when I fully understand. In the pain of seeking answers I sometimes get distracted from that.

I prefer to know things for myself and not ever rely on the testimony or word of another. But I see now that it is an opportunity to receive a gift of God that I would not normally seek.

My MIL

2008-05-27T12:19:00.004-06:00

In Siberia there are tribes of people who have no concept of abstract thought. They are not raised with it and it does not come up in their hunter-gatherer lifestyle. We think my mother-in-law is from one of those tribes.

My mother-in-law (MIL) is an interesting person. It is very important to point out that she didn't raise my husband. While my husband was on his mission his mother died and 3 months later his father eloped and married MIL. And no, they didn't know each other before. She is an interesting character. She believes the earth is hollow, that when you take out a loan it is illegal to ask for more money back than you originally loaned, and that it is Church policy that if you make more than $50,000/year you cannot go to heaven. And those are just a few of her idiosyncracies. I have hundreds of MIL stories. In fact, maybe when I can't think of anything, I'll post one. But here's one just to give a glimpse of what my relationship is with her. I was in graduate school when we bought our condo. After buying the home my MIL sat me down and told me it was time to give up this "silly school thing" and stay home and take care of the house. (She believes it's fine for women to finish high school if they haven't "started their family first" but anything more than that is pointless.) She actively works to get DH to divorce me because I'm dragging him to hell (not to mention that he's the only one of the 15 children between her and his father that is married in the temple and still active in the church.) So, yeah, about a year or two ago I ended up cutting off all relationship with my in-laws. Associating with people who are actively trying to drive a wedge between you and your husband is just not a good idea. And also, I can't stand the hurt on my husband's face when his father puts him down. Besides, they used to invite only DH to family parties, and not me. They don't want me there anyway, so this just seemed to oblige. DH keeps a relationship with them and visits. He's really good and patient. Frankly, for awhile we thought his father was getting dementia, but it turns out he was just listening too much to MIL. (For example, he started putting all of his electronics in metal garbage cans at night to protect them from nuclear fallout.)

I have no hope of MIL ever changing her point of view, but she may become more endurable to be around. For example, dh and I don't have children. When her 35 year-old, single, uneducated daughter got pregnant with no intention of marrying the father she sat me down and told me how her daughter "had her priorities straight" unlike me because, "she is starting her family." Which is of course, the purpose of women.

So here's the reason for the hope of her being more endurable. For Memorial Day weekend, DH's family went to Montana for the baptism of DH's nephew. DH's parents offered to let everyone stay in their camper at the KOA (you'd have to pay for part of the rental fee of course.) Fortunately, I had the GMAT scheduled for this weekend, so it didn't work out for us to go. But my husband's brother and his wife, we'll call her A, stayed with them in the camper. Monday morning DH checked his cell phone after the gym and had a voicemail from A saying, "I just spent a weekend in a camper with your parents, and I so understand your wife now." She had some wonderful MIL stories. Dh's brother, N, is a stay-at-home dad and his wife, A works. You can imagine this does not sit well with the in-laws. There were a number of great stories. Stories about MIL are hilarious when told in retrospect, but painful when you're in them. I try to understand where MIL is coming from and not respond to her painful barbs, but as it wasn't working, I just decided to stop going. A on the other hand is not that type of person. When MIL was ripping into her she finally said, "Look, MIL, you have a completely self-centered view of the universe." This was said with Dh's father, and N there. None of them came to MIL's defense. This is new. Usually, DH's father would just tear me down if I tried to respond to MIL's cruel words. But this time they just sat by. When MIL turned to them for support, N said, "Actually MIL, she has a point." And again, dh's father, just remained silent. So this may indicate a change.

Also, it was just really validating to have someone else have the same reaction to MIL.

In Memoriam

2008-05-26T22:27:00.002-06:00

Today we went to the gravesite of my grandfather. He was a wonderful man. Few people can say they changed the world, and while he could, I don't think he ever did say it. I was 18 when he died. We all gathered at my grandmother's house the next day. I was shocked when my father came into the room saying that President Monson was on the phone. Shortly thereafter, another Apostle called to give her condolences. Now, at this point I hadn't really known anyone who had died but I was pretty sure that the Apostles didn't call the family of every church member who died. He was so kind and loving and to me was just "grandpa." Since then I've learned what a great man he was and all he did. Wherever I have traveled in the world I meet people who knew and loved my grandfather. I constantly hear, "He changed my life." President Monson said of my grandfather, "He was truly a gem among men." I felt like I lost him a second time becuase I felt like I lost my wonderful grandfather, but I also lost an amazing man I didn't know. I never knew that side of him. That was my fault. It's been amazing though to learn about him and learn about him now. As I read his writings and hear the stories of how he altered the course of people's lives and the direction of nations, I learn about the wonderful mission he had and come to know him in many ways more than I would have had he been alive. I miss him so much more now. I wish I could have his advice and council. I am so glad that he left so many writings and guidance to his children that I can learn from them.

We also visited the gravesite of my husband's mother. That was a very tender moment. She was a wonderful woman. She died while DH was on his mission. I was fortunate enough to meet her a few times. I'll have to write more about her another time. She was wonderful. Her legacy is amazing. DH is the man he is because of her. I have never met a person who did not like my husband. Recently, several women have commented to me that he is such a wonderful example of what a Priesthood holder should be. This is because of the wonderful influence of his mother. I don't have the right words to say about her and her lasting influence. But I will be eternally grateful for the sacrifices she made for her children to raise such a wonderful man.

GMAT/MBA

2008-05-24T19:41:00.004-06:00

What a day!

I applied for an MBA program and was provisionally accepted. I had to rasie my GMAT score. I took the exam this morning. I must impress upon you how many hours I studied. The recruiter from the university gave me a study CD. It has the most annoying sound effects I have ever heard. My husband (DH since he won't give me a nym to use for him) wants to copy the annoying cheers it plays when you get something right so he can use it to mock friends at work when they state the obvious. So anyway, hours of study. And the hardest part of all was the hours trying to convince myself that I needed to actually sit down and study. I seemed to be improving my quantitative skills, which was the real problem with the first test. But the more I studied the verbal section, the worse I did. Well, that bore out on the test today. I did better, slightly, on the quantitative and worse on the verbal. For a total score increase of ... 10 points. Yup, $250 and hours of study for 10 measley points. DH put in as much work as I did. He helped me study for the quant section, gave me blessings, and fasted all day Friday for me to do well. When I told him my score he said, "Well, now I know exactly the value of my prayers, they're worth 10 points."

And yes, the exam is expected to take 4.5 hours. I skipped the writing section since my score there was fine, and they don't look at it anyway. That section is 1 hour. But still, I did the whole thing in about 1:40. One thing I learned from the CD was that either I know how to do a problem or I don't. For some reason I'm just a really fast test-taker.

So here's the odd problem. I was sure 10 points wasn't enough to get me admitted. I came home and emailed the director of the program my score, but was sure of being declined. I couldn't believe how relieved and happy I was. The test started at 7:45 this morning and we were back home by 10. So I took DH to breakfast at Kneaders. He commented about how I wasn't nearly as depressed or sad as he had expected. This whole weight of having to go back to school had been lifted. I felt free.

We came home, took a short nap, and then I checked my email. The director is in Europe, so I didn't expect a response for quite awhile, but there was an email from him saying that he accepted my new score and I'm admitted. I called to DH and told him I needed a hug. The weight and stress all came back. It was good news, but now I was stressed. He understands my conflicting feelings. I think I'm supposed to be in the program, but I'm not positive. The one thing though is that when I think of my father, I am really happy to be an MBA student. I may be his only child to get an MBA. And he'll be able to talk to me about classes and all kinds of things. I'll probably have a class from him, certainly I'll be attending some of his lectures. My dad is a professor of the MBA program I've been accepted to.

So I feel somewhat conflicted. If the Lord directs me to not attend, I won't. I've both felt that I shouldn't enter and that I should. I haven't gotten a really clear answer yet. But I feel good when I think and pray about learning to do training and development through this program. I hope to do some good for my fellow students as well. I have the advantage that I'm not looking for a full-time job after the program, so I don't have to worry about competing with other students. And frankly, during my degree in Early Christianity I wanted A's and to do well. Here, I just don't want C's. I'll work hard enough to pull at least a B in my classes, but I'm not going to put in the overtime kill that I saw my husband and some of his peers do to get the top grades. That also makes me feel more confident about the program.

So there you go. What a weird day. I start really nervous and stressed, and then am actually happy about what I had feared and then sad about what I thought would make me happy. Welcome to life I guess.

Why Peter, James, and John

2008-05-18T13:08:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure yet how much anonyminity I want to keep so I'm not sure what exactly to write. I also don't know who my audience is, so again, that makes writing difficult. For example, I am going to write about the Sunday School lesson I taught last week. I think it sums up the title of my blog. But I'm not sure if I should explain that I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (the Mormons) or just assume anyone reading this knows that. However, as I don't have an audience, maybe it doesn't matter. I'm just writing for me.

Anyway, on to the lesson and the insight. Have you ever wondered why Peter, James, and John were chosen as the leaders of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles? I always just assumed Christ chose them because they were the best or something. Of course, we know that Peter makes some terrible mistakes. So what was the quality in these three that set them apart from the others? The answer to this was pointed out to me recently and I shared it with my Mission Prep class. The answer lies in Mark 9.

In Mark chapter 9 verse 2 we read: "And after si days Jesus taketh with him Peter, and James, and John, and leadeth them up into an high mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured before them." This was an incredible experience for the apostles They saw Moses and Elias and, greatest of all, they had a witness from God. Verse 7, "And there was a cloud that overshadowed them: and a voice came out of the cloud, saying, This is my beloved Son: hear him." Not only did they see the Savior in all the future glory He would hold, they saw Moses the Lawgiver, and they saw John the Baptist their friend whom they knew was dead alive. But greater than all this they heard the very voice of the Father proclaim that Jesus Christ was His Son. Why did they get this witness? Earlier Peter had already confessed Jesus to be the Christ and he was told that he was blessed because he had been told it by only the Holy Ghost. Now he gets a full confirmation. Why?

The answer lies in the JST. (Another time I'll go on my rant about how the JST needs to be understood correctly and "Inspired version" is much more accurate. We just don't understand the word "translate" now as Joseph did.) Now, I have a degree in Early Christianity and have spent many years studying Latin and Greek. I have copied down many lines of Latin and I truly feel for the monks who, not even knowing the language, spent their whole lives copying the scriptures so that we could have them. I have experinced the "lapsis oculis" that they did and accidentally left out many lines. I believe that much of the missing parts of the scriptures and errors were merely the result of accident. However, on occasion I believe Joseph Smith was right when he said that evil and designing men removed some of the "plain and precious truths" out of the Bible. This passage though I believe is one that was purposfully reomoved. Let's look at Mark 9:2 with the removed passage added back in: "And after six days Jesus taketh with him Peter, and James, and John who asked him many questions concerning his sayings and leadeth them up into an high mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured before them." Peter, James, and John were taken to witness the transfiguration BECAUSE they asked questions!

Now, these are very specific types of questions that they are asking. These are apparently done in the spirit of true inquiry. The word "Question" is, I think, important here. They are on a "quest" to find the answers. They aren't asking Christ critical questions. These aren't, "Well, you said this last time, so that doesn't match what you just said now." These are more, "Hmmm... there seems to be a paradox, how can we make this fit" type of questions. They are on a quest for understanding, which is the basis of their "quest"ioning.

I also love that Christ takes them to witness the transfiguration and witness from God but doesn't give a full explaination to the parables. He takes them because they're trying to understand the parables. This seeking to understand them leads to a great confirmation that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, but doesn't specifically address the questions they had. It's a confirmation that they are on the right path. It gives them more knowledge and experience than they had before to work out the parables. He doesn't just hand them the answers, but He confirms they're getting close and headed in the right direction. I feel like this is the way God interacts with me so often. He doesn't hand me the answers to the hard questions, but as I seek on my quest to become more like Him, He gives me encouragement and tells me when I'm on the right path. I just really love it.

So that's why Peter, James, and John were the leaders of the Apostles. They questioned. But they seem to have taken to heart the right kind of questioning that the Lord spells out in the Doctrine and Covenants. "Look unto me in every thought: doubt not, fear not." (DC 6:36). There is much that can be analyzed from this verse, but the relevant part is, the verse doesn't say don't question. Question, seek, find answers. Just don't doubt that God is God. That God is our Father, the great Ruler of the Universe who loves us, and Jesus Christ is His Son. Do not doubt that. Once you doubt God, you've abandoned your quest. But rather, continue questing after Truth, and God has revealed that the quest will lead to conquest. He will give the answers. "What greater witness can you have than from God?" May God bless us in all of our quests for Truth.

Hello World

2008-05-17T21:07:00.000-06:00

I understand that way back in the early days of programming, each newly minted programmer made a web page titled "Hello World." Well, this is my test to see if my foray into blogging works. So, Hello World!

The title of my blog, Seeker of Truth, comes from an insight I gained a few years ago when my husband was in an MBA program. During his second year he took a class from a professor named Hal Gregerson. This class focused on self-awareness and interpersonal relations. For one of the culminating activities each person in the class had to prepare a five minute presentation with props to show who they really are at the core. For this, they were allowed to bring spouses. The presentations went on for hours, but were really interesting because each person was so sincere. As the presentations went on I wondered who I was. As I thought, I realized that I am a seeker of truth. Seeking truth has always been a driving motivation behind all of my actions even though I never really realized that. In the following years I have thought on this and seen more and more that my drive to find truth and especially not to settle for "we'll know someday" is core to who I am. It's why I've spent years and thousands of dollars in school studying Latin and Greek and early Christian history. Anyway, I expect to write thoughts and findings of truth here as well as the truth of mundane ordinary life. We'll see how that goes.

I actually am quite a good writer, but I do take a long time to write something polished. I don't think I'll be doing that here. Sorry to anyone who reads this, but as I don't expect many people to read it, it's not much of a problem.